I was reading my daily scriptures and You Version class. I had a thought running over and over through my mind and came to a profound thought. The following scripture is what was repeating in my brain today:Mark 9:24
New International Version (NIV)
24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed,“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I was thinking about how I firmly believed in the power of God. Now the next question would be then why do I doubt myself with such intensity. I struggle with not forgiving complete a family member. I know this is wrong for the grace freely given to me makes my unforgiving nature wrong. My faith must grow but I keep doing as Paul talked about, doing the very thing I do not want to do. I also struggle with food addiction. I do not doubt God for He has come to me on every journey I have taken to solve this addiction. The problem in both of these areas show it is myself I doubt.
This today has become a huge leap of my faith. Finally time to go to God with my doubt not trying to do it myself. I do not have the capacity alone to handle these two struggles. I do have a solution available to me. I reach out and touch it then promptly shove back into the human side of my brain. I wave my hand in dismissal at my ability to do what is right for me. I have the tenseness of not living what my faith clearly offers me. My fists are slightly clenched as is my jaw. I take deep breaths to prepare the difficult road in front of me. All of this behavior only reinforcing my doubt in myself. The burning question is, How can God’s child doubt His perfect creation? I am selfish when I stay in my own mire of dissociation between acceptance and faith. My life is to give a picture of grace and at these times it shows my fear of disappointing God.
My body language speaks clearly as I use a purse or jacket to create a shield against the evil lurking below my thoughts. I never want to say out loud my self doubt but share the areas I am successful. Under my shield of clothing to hide my unhappiness with my body. My shield of not accepting my family members struggle with life by dismissing that person’s value. How dare I not forgive any sin. Where is my support for a troubled soul? Where is my compassion? Jesus took on the cross for me and I am wasting energy and time being judge and jury of others.
As I write this piece, I am beginning to see that some of my struggles have kept me from the successful race I desire. I let my failures keep me from joy and peace. Now is the time to make peace once again with who I am and become hour by hour who God created me to be.